Story Of Home

I was at the beautiful house of one of my mom’s pharmacist friends. She is an amazing person and I admire her. Her house is full of amazing things she got from all around the world. This house of hers, filled with stuff like bird cages (fom Morocco), puppets (from Amsterdam), colorful purses (from Egypt), polar bear plush toys (from Finland) and more, has a view of the sea and is in Kadikoy. My favorite place in this whole world and the best district in Istanbul, that has all kinds of istanbulites in it, having fun, drinking, gossiping, shopping or just reading in a cafe. Kadikoy is just filled with life and did I mention that it was my favorite place in the universe?

Of course it’s not easy to buy a house in Kadikoy, especially when it’s found in the first floor of an apartment that sees the sea and that has a garden of its own. It must’ve costed a fortune… Anyways we were a group of 6 people and my mother was the 2nd youngest person around. While we were sipping our teas, one friend told her that it was a good decision, buying the house. She said that it wasn’t easy.

Another Friend: Did ever cross your mind that one day you would be living here?

Her “No, I always passed by the shore and looked at the houses but not once I thought about it.

“It’s actually a friend of mine who came to me with the idea. She knew the owner and she knew that he wanted to sell. I talked to a real estate agent and she told me that it was a bad idea. There were tenants living in and they didn’t want to leave. Then I talked to two lawyers and they both told me that even if I bought the apartment, I wouldn’t be able to evict the current tenants, right away because apparently there’s a law that says if you own another house to live in, you can’t make people go anywhere. However a friend of mine had a talented lawyer and I asked for her number and went to see her. She handled everything for me, she talked to the tenants and made a deal. They would stay another 5 months and give me the rent and after that the house was mine to cherish.

On top of that, I got help from my bank too. I’ve been working with them for years now and when I wanted to get a loan, I couldn’t show them the actual house because of the cranky tenants but they needed to see the house and take pictures etc. So they came and took pictures of the apartment above and it was a huge favor.

No one wanted me to buy this house, everyone, including my two sons, told me to give up but thanks to the help I got from these people, I bought it and now I’m so happy.”

Due to the fact that I never actually worked for a living, I don’t really understand what it feels to owe money to a lot of people. So I could only imagine the amount of stress she was under, when she bought the house. Especially when she had two sons who, let alone encouraging her, wouldn’t even help her, moneywise and those sons live in houses that she gave to them. They live in her houses. This is unbelievable.

They told me to, “Listen carefully, for this is the story about a woman’s perserverance and hardwork.” They didn’t need to tell me that, I was already listening.

All in all, I was moved.

P.S.:  The whole thing reminded me of my hopeless search of a new house in Lyon. Unfortunately, horrible Lyonnaise people like torturing young souls and they don’t rent houses if you don’t have a ‘garant’ (a person who declares his/her income in France. He/she has to pay your rent if you fail to pay it yourself.) So I visited nearly 100 apartments but I never could rent one.

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My Mental State During This Terrible Horrible Week

And yet there’s more to come.

Since the last 2 weeks I have been living with a shadow over my head. It’s called guilt. I have my semi-final exams (or whatever they’re called.) and I’m in complete denial. I refuse to talk about my classes, I refuse to think about them. Also, I refuse to study.

What I did is, and I’m saying this very proudly (JK!), finishing 8 seasons of Psych, nearly 3 seasons of Chicago PD and 4 seasons of The Big Bang Theory.

I realized that I really had to get my sh*t together when I saw this article (a simple one, didn’t have too many details…) about this thing called Oblomovism (I don’t even know if in English, the word exists, the article was in Turkish) on my Facebook feed. Anyway it’s basically when you have all the ideas and dreams, you’re constantly thinking, imagining and being jelaous of other people’s lives. (Probably because of Instagram… You know, I have to get rid of my Instagram account.) But you don’t do anything. You just sit there and keep imagining what it would be like if  you had the life of that blogger, that Instagram personality. And this just keeps going, heading towards nowhere. This is what I understood from the article.

I realize that right now, I’m doing nothing. Nothing at all. I’m getting lost in these fictional universes, going from one to another, never thinking about the consequences. I think this is because I never had any hardship in my life. I never actually worked for anything in my life. Of course, I also don’t have any significant achievements… Never won a prize except the time that one of my shitty collages was in a shitty exhibition that no one saw.

I actually don’t know what to do now. How can I turn from this point. I’m secretly avoiding more and more… everything actually. I’m avoiding to see people, do research paper, go to classes. The sad thing is that I was doing fine in high school cause in high school you somehow manage to get by and graduate. But here, everything has changed. I’m suddenly a grown up now and I really don’t think that I am one!

Still, I believe in time. I hope everything is gonna fall into it’s place. (Just kidding, so close to becoming homeless!) And I keep procrastinating..

So I’ve read some stuff about the subject:

Plus, I saw this Vanity Card of Chuck Lorre in one episode of The Big Bang Theory and 1) I adore the idea! 2) This particular one made me sob in self pity because of it’s relation to the subject of this post -but maybe that’s just what I get from it. (Here’s a link because I apparently can’t put screenshots of the card here cause they are .png files and I’m not an expert on converting files or anything really.)

Vanity Card #335

 

Dancing to the silence

Being unable to leave a place.

I’ve been living at a friends house for the past 5 days. It’s been amazing. That’s why we started talking about the possibilities. Possibilities like becoming more than friends, maybe roommates. To be honest, I’ve been thinking about finding myself a roommate since the day I got accepted to college. It was always her who has been reluctant about living with a roommate. She has her orderly ways for things and I’m the messiest person I know. I like laziness and I don’t immediately do the dishes after a meal. That’s relatively easier to live with though since there are really dirty people I know who never realize that they need to shower from time to time and also it is important to brush your teeth…

I imagine our days, together, watching movies that I download, eating snacks and gossiping. Overthinking about men in our lives and getting overly excited about things. Dancing to songs, to the sound of birds and even to the silence.

We dance a lot, her and I.

 

P.S.: Here’s a little awesomeness for the post…

Phosphenes: The lights you see when you shut your eyes tightly.

phosphene

A Case Of Chemistry

The last 2-3 months, I spent my entire time on Tinder. It hasn’t been long since I created my profile and I have already met with lots of guys and this is a little too fast for me. (I learned that by the hard way as you can see on my previous post. I can’t just go at it like a normal, self-confident person. I have to take care of myself.)

Apart from my wake up call, the rest of the adventure was great. The first Tinder guy is P. The most fun I had, was with him. We just like the same things and he has some skills too, if you know what I mean. The first night we met, we had a good time then he left me at the metro station next to his place but not before telling me that he had a long-distance relationship and he and his girlfriend, they had made a deal. The deal is that they can see other people but not more than once, so that they don’t fall in love with other people. As you can see, that ended bitter. Especially because of his skills LOL.

Then I went on with my life, I wasn’t gonna cry after him or see him in my dreams (Total lie, as if it was our second year together, but it wasn’t. What’s wrong with me?). I met a new guy, his name is S. He was actually a lot older than me so it may seem weird and it is weird but hey look at all the f’s that I give! He was all about business, didn’t even bother to create an interesting conversation. Started with a cheesy hand massage and… Afterwards I felt so awkward that I literally escaped his house, but then we started texting and decided that we could keep doing this no strings attached thing –and each other- and this went on for a while and is still going to my knowledge.

While I kept texting S., I found a new guy, M. He was just so cute, like a teddy bear. And he wasn’t just after… things. We went on a real date. But those feelings, went away quickly when I saw that he wasn’t capable of saying things. I mean, I asked questions, tried to make it work and he was just saying yes or no. Why? Why would you do that? To give an example, I asked him if his family lived here, in Lyon and he said no. I asked him again, if they lived in Africa, he said no. I didn’t insist on the question. Maybe there’s something he doesn’t want to tell, I said to myself. And then I asked where he was taking me and he answered some place I know.  – Do you always go there?  – No, not really.  – Do you like it there?  – Yes.

OK, OK. I’ll stop now. You obviously have something important to think about honey. Let’s get to our date. It was boring as you can see. He insisted on paying for the drinks and I had to order a Redbull even though I hate it, as it was the cheapest choice. I couldn’t just do this to him because I knew that there wouldn’t be a second date and I didn’t want him to spend too much money on me. I asked if he would like to dance and he again answered “No.” and much to my surprise added that we would lose the table if we danced. But I love dancing. Then I told him that I had to return early because I had to study. And then he insisted again to walk me home and I still feel really bad about that, but there was nothing I could do, I nearly begged him to let me return by myself. When I got rid of my shoes and took a deep breath, I saw his message: I like you. And I didn’t answer. He called me after that but I ducked him every time. I’m not really good at rejection I guess. I’m mean.

Then I met with the first guy again cause he wanted to. I slept at his house and had the walk of shame the next morning. This time he said goodbye, and informed me that his girlfriend was moving to Lyon. I mean he could get a little bit creative about his lies.

Last but not least, there’s the other P. We went to have some drinks and the plan was that I would help him practice English at the same time cause apparently, he couldn’t speak. We spent some time together and there was a fair and we went there. It was relatively fun. He told me that he has been to Istanbul. But he didn’t remember any of it cause it was a long time ago. Anyway, before we decided to say goodbye, he invited me to his house but I just didn’t want to go in someone else’s house, for the third time. I just wanted a familiar house. So I said no and went to see a friend. Her house was familiar. I felt good.

Then of course there’s the guy who really wants to meet up and get down but I don’t like his ways of telling that to me. He sends nude pictures of his chest and asks for photos from me too. But, you know, I’m not really into that. Sending pictures of your body is not really me. Especially since my body isn’t really sexy or alluring, so why bother? We texted for like 2-3 weeks and then I just stopped. I decided not to. Changed my mind. Like the guy that stood me up did. He saw me at the metro, he thought to himself, “Yuck!” and he turned his back and went back home. He never even bothered to send a message. Say that he’s not coming. I waited for half an hour. I couldn’t take the humiliation after that. It feels uncomfortable but relieving at the same time. I was humiliated.

All this experimentation on human kind and I feel all over the place. I can’t make time for my friends cause there’s always a guy on tinder wanting to meet up. I always have plans and I can’t spend 2 consecutive hours at home during weekends. That’s a bummer. I love spending time alone and I feel like I don’t get to do that anymore. Plus, I never get used to the first dates. The first time that I’m gonna see that total stranger in real life and we’re gonna get to know each other. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he does like the guy that stood me up? Or worse, what if he comes up to me and says “You’re way uglier than your photos”?

What am I gonna do then?

All in all, the dominant feeling I have about this whole Tinder business is humiliation and not. I feel humiliated by the guy that told me that he had a girlfriend right after he fucked me. I feel humiliated by the guy that never told me about what he really wanted. I feel humiliated by the guy who never spoke to me but had the guts to call me like a thousand times. I feel humiliated by the guy who told me the same girlfriend story for the second time. Lastly I feel humiliated by the guy that didn’t really like the way I shake my ass.

At the same time I think that I shouldn’t feel this way because I think to myself, if P. had told me that lie before everything, I would’ve acted still the same. And same thing for S. He could’ve just told me that he needed a fuck buddy, that’s OK with me. I do wish that I was a little bolder to tell M. what I didn’t feel about him. Also, I’m still humiliated by the fact that I was stood up. But I feel sorry for him that he didn’t like my ass ‘cause I got skills too, if you know what I mean 😉

Tonight

Oh shit,

Nobody is mine.

I have no one and he’s not gonna come.

I have my computer. I have my books.

I have the ideas.

I don’t have the guts.

I have shit. Statuettes and key chains.

I don’t have the heart.

Magnets and papers full of shit.

I don’t have trust,

Hand creams and shirts and boots.

Towards anyone, including me.

Headphones and mugs,

Photos and diaries full of memories.

I have me?

Paper towels and a bottle of water right next to it.

Boil the water, make some tea.

Oh shit.

 

Tonight, I’ve been stood up, for the first time in my life. I don’t think that it made me write this, but I admit that I wrote it while waiting for the guy. I won’t even bother say that this isn’t a poem. It’s just a gathering of phrases that went through my mind.